August of this year marked the 25-year anniversary of Michael's and my relationship. At this momentous time I keep adding up the years in my head. So unbelievable is this passage of time, I am drawn to look at a question which has come up many times, especially in the light of our business of performing weddings and presenting workshops on Manifestation and on using Huna in relationships. The question is, "How does one find his or her soulmate?"
In looking at my own relationship I am reminded of a time 23 years ago. I was visiting close friends in Oahu after the birth of our son, Jesse. Michael and I had moved to Kauai from Oahu at the beginning of my pregnancy. Actually we were not aware at the time that I was pregnant, but once that became apparent, it seemed that Kauai was the best place to raise a child. During this visit to old friends on Oahu to "show off the new baby," I remember sitting with a dear girlfriend on her Lanai. She asked me quite frankly if I thought that I would be with Michael "forever." I remember at the time experiencing a wave of anxiety as I answered, "Well, I hope so." The first year of our relationship had not always been easy and although there was incredible chemistry between us, there was not always an easy understanding of each others' needs. Both of us had, and still have, fiery tempers and I would not have described that beginning time as "calm and peaceful," although it was passionate and exciting. Somehow we have worked it out and here we are 25 years later...an incredible journey that seems to have taken "forever" and yet just a "moment" in time.
Recently, I was reading a magazine article about "Finding your Soulmate." It gave all kinds of hints about recognizing the perfect partner for you, the person who would understand your needs, grow perfectly beside you and support all of your endeavors, while always remaining attracted to you. And, of course, the experience would be mutual on your part. It was in response to reading this article that I became inspired to write about my experience and to share my views about "finding a soul mate."
Firstly, I believe that soul mates are not found, they are created. What does that mean? I believe that creating a soul mate is a process, not a discovery. Okay, so how do you "create a soul mate?" Well, first you have to create a relationship. This might sound obvious at first. However, in my Huna workshops I hear over and over again that participants do not want to create partners to explore a relationship with, they want to have full fledged, committed relationships with the perfect person to appear out of the blue, right now! I understand that after being hurt in the past, a person may feel unwilling to "risk" failure. But I must say that this unwillingness to "risk" may also be why they are not in a love relationship. Just as in any endeavor, the outcome is not guaranteed. One must be willing to take a risk, cross the line and go for your dreams. If I had judged my future with Michael by our first year together, I would have never believed that we would achieve the success and happiness in our relationship that we experience today. In fact, I did have many doubts about the future.
This brings up a most important point - that of judgment; how we judge ourselves and how we judge others.
Looking within, do you think of yourself as loveable? How can you increase your loveableness? Not necessarily with a new haircut or a slimmer waist. In Huna, we teach how to manifest from within. Can you remember a time when you felt loveable? Can you tell yourself how loveable and ready for love you are? Maybe you can create a special place in your mind, a garden where you can entertain your perfect mate. What would that look like? How would you decorate it? What would you serve? More importantly though, how would you feel? Can you create that feeling and practice it? This type of preparation can be very useful. Just like visualizing success in any other life endeavor, we can practice what it will be like when we have our mate. In the outer world, can you look at lovers and bless them for achieving this level of intimacy? Make a list of all the successful couples that you see without feeling sorry for yourself but with the knowledge that "If they can have this, then so can I!" Bless everything that represents what you want. See movies about lovers, read novels about relationships: how they grow, what they overcome, and finally how they succeed. Immerse yourself in the idea that this is possible.
Now in looking at the opposite sex, how are you judging prospective mates? Would you want someone to judge you with these same criteria? Can you look for potential rather than only at the present manifestation? I know, I know, that you made mistakes in the past thinking that he or she would change, only to discover that it was wishful thinking on your part. But really now, don't you want a relationship that will grow? Where both parties become even more realized as a result of the joining? Let's assume that you have learned from the past and that you will not make the same mistakes. That is not to say that you wont make any mistakes at all...we are all human. But let's assume that you have learned enough from the past that you will not attract destructive relationships to yourself. In fact, let's get in touch with your higher self and ask for guidance in this realm.
You may wonder how to get in touch with your higher self. One way is to relax, think or look at something of beauty. Behold that beauty, be with it, breathe with it and know that you are tuning into that creative source of love, harmony and beauty that exists in all beings. At this point, ask for guidance to be with you as you "step out" with willingness to meet potential partners for your life. When I say "potential partners", I can hear the groans. "Oh no, I dont want to have to look and choose. I just want to right one to appear!" Well that may happen. Yet just as in looking for the perfect house, or job or car there may be some choices to make. After all, we are looking for abundance, not scarcity.
Once you have manifested a relationship, the most important component in creating a soul mate is "willingness" and "perserverence" on the part of both partners. Here is another area that I have witnessed where couples have not met their potential because of their "Doubt." Doubt takes so much energy! Doubt is criticism in disguise. Instead of outwardly criticizing the other person, we indulge in doubting the fabric of the relationship or doubting the potential of the other person. Instead of wasting energy on doubt, let's assume that there is a purpose for being with this person. Once again, you can appeal to your higher self to offer guidance.
We tend to be so impatient here in our advanced technological age. We look for the DSL in relationships. If we can trust the process, trust our higher self, we can develop patience and increase our willingness to see the perfection of this "growing relationship."
Learning to focus on the good in the other person and in the relationship, we see that our worries and doubts are really a call for blessing and love. Sending a blessing through holding a picture of how we want to relationship to be is a discipline that truly produces a positive outcome.
What can we do for our partner in times of stress? We can send relaxation. We can send kindness. We can send love and confidence to them, recognizing all the good that we have known them to be and to have. We can send our wishes for harmony. In a relationship, we are constantly challenged to grow in love as we learn to give for the sake of another not just for ourselves. And, of course, we learn that in giving to another we are fulfilling ourselves in a much deeper way. This was perhaps the most challenging and the most important revelation in my relationship with Michael. Learning to share, to give for the sake of the other. These were lessons that were "hard fought" but most valuable. In discovering how to give to each other, we also learned how to be in service to others, which has led us to our life work: performing Weddings and Blessings, and has brought much success from the Universe.
I remember a time, maybe 17 years ago, when an astrologer came and gave a reading for our family. At that time, Michael was working full time as a carpenter, I was a massage therapist with an active practice. We were raising our two sons and living communally with another family in a large house in Kilauea. In looking at our charts (I am a Scorpio, Michael is an Aquarius), the astrologer turned to us and said in a surprised and somewhat joking fashion, "What are you two doing together?" Our response at the time was, "We are demonstrating that with perseverance and love, all obstacles can be overcome."
It was not long after this that I was introduced to Aloha International and to the philosophy of Huna through a massage client of mine who was to become a dear friend and Huna colleague, Nancy Boffey. She had been attending weekly meetings with Serge King up at his home in Princeville on Wednesday nights and, noticing similarities in our basic life philosophy, invited Michael and I to join her. What a blessing. Huna has given us incredible tools to use in all of our relationships and has been a catalyst for developing personally as well as professionally. For Michael and I, Huna has given us the support of a caring teacher, a loving community, and a set of principles and methods to use for enhancing the good times and for understanding and overcoming the challenges.
Twenty five years have passed. Life continues to be a mystery which moves like a wave through experiences; some easy - some hard. We are all learning to "go with the flow" while we also learn how to "influence our experiences." So we come back to the initial question. Are Michael and I Soul Mates? Absolutely. We have become that for each other as a result of our willingness to hold the vision of the success of our relationship while we use the knowledge that we have acquired from our teachers and from life. Will we be together forever? Without a Doubt!
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