A Life-Changing Experience
I want to report a life changing experience while in Hawaii with Serge. It was on the final day of the five day Shaman Intensive Training. We were exploring time travel and alternate realities--way cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So after a conversation about a variety of perspectives on time and the possibility of alternate realities, Serge counted us collectively down to our alternate realities, in particular what he calls "parallel lives." The process we did was based on the idea that at times of important decisions a part our spirit follows the decision that we remember rejecting.
As he began the count, I was thinking about playing the organ as a child and how I suddenly just "gave it up" and quit playing. That is where I thought I would go, to the alternate reality where I did not quit playing the organ. To my utter surprise, when Serge counted down to "one" I was face to face with a decision that has burned in my soul for years, the very moment I quite literally quit singing.
Allow me to provide some back story: I used to sing a lot. I loved to sing. I was the girl who always sang the solos in choral groups. I sang at my best friend's wedding among others; I even sang at my mother's wedding after my father's death. I loved to sing. I remember one of the very few times my father was obviously pleased with me: it was when I was singing in front of a group of his peers. He was beaming and so was I!
Long story short: I stopped singing very suddenly. While in college, I worked in local restaurants and bars to support myself while I went to school. One night a man playing the piano in one of the bars and I got to talking about life, music, etc. I shared with him my passion for singing. One thing led to another and I ended up singing with him for a few of his bar gigs. He was taking me under his wing, inquiring about my musical preferences, influences; encouraging me to sing publically, etc. One night, after a gig, we exited the bar to discover a heavy snowfall. Rather than trying to drive through roads that had yet to be cleared, we walked a couple blocks to get a hotel room. I will spare the details mostly because I can't bear going there. A rape happened that night and I never sang again. In fact, the very thought of singing in public (even in church as part of a large congregation) brought me to uncontrollable tears.
I have struggled with this for decades (three decades plus to be exact). I have been in therapy, I have confessed to my mother the events of that night (many years after it happened of course and she encouraged me to not speak of it again), I have applied every technique I've learned through Serge (soul retrieval, forgiveness, aloha, dynamind--you name it, I tried it), hypnosis and the list goes on. I have done quite a bit of "beating myself up" and not just for the events of that night, but for my willingness to completely abandon something that I loved so dearly and my complete inability to just "suck it up" and sing, for God's sake!
Okay, enough back story, back to the alternate reality meditation with Serge. Suddenly I was face to face with a woman my age who was essentially a lounge lizard. She had been singing in bars for over three decades. She smokes too much, drinks too much, rarely sees the light of day and is very jaded. WOW! What an amazing encounter. It was a pleasant encounter, though. She was a nice enough person, just NOT anything like the life I enjoy now. We exchanged pleasantries. I thanked her for the opportunity to have met her. I came to realize (something that has slowly dawned on me over the last several months) that I do indeed use my "voice" and in a very different, but none the less effective, way through my yoga classes and guided meditations. My voice takes people to the places of peace within themselves that are sometimes difficult to access and even scary to explore without a gentle guide--my voice.
My "alternate" and I parted ways and I, for one, was changed forever. I cannot speak for her, but I experienced a transformation that was hitherto inaccessible and not even imaginable.
Thank you, Serge, for a technique that brought a fresh perspective to something that pained me for years! Now that it's in writing, it seems so trite. Believe me it is NOT. I have felt a peace about this particular aspect of "me" that I have not before known. I am not "healed" and I don't go about singing in public but I am at peace with the life I live. In fact, even grateful for the turn of events that brought me here. Had I not stopped singing, I might still be in a bar every night. Had I not disengaged from my body, I might not have learned to explore my body again through yoga and massage. In short, I might not be who I am now, exploring and enjoying what I explore and enjoy. In good moments, I am even genuinely grateful to the man who played that part for me many, many year ago and hope that he, through lessons learned and growth enjoyed, be grateful for that night as well.